"Beginning Again"
The Chapin family and their little miracles, Bella and Karis; Modesta, California

It’s hard to know where to begin with our story, our journey into parenthood. Today we appear as the all-American family: a home filled with the pitter-patter of 4 tiny feet and the voices of our sweet princesses Bella and Karis. From the outside looking in, no one would ever guess the pain and devastation we faced only a few years earlier and that our twin daughters are our true miracles.

It all began 3 years ago when, after more than 2 years of infertility, we became pregnant with our first child. We felt so extremely blessed, as we had lived the frustrating reality that we would not be like everyone else we knew; we would not become pregnant easily. I was the happiest I had ever been, expecting the arrival of our first child: a baby girl whom we chose to name London Faith. When she arrived, we felt a love for her unlike anything we had ever felt.

We lived the next 10½ weeks like most new parents: adjusting to nighttime feedings, new routines, and all the other special times that come with being a new parent. Our dreams came crashing down when our healthy, happy, beautiful daughter died during her morning nap due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS). Our hearts were shattered, our dreams taken, our life no longer as we knew it. The day we laid our daughter to rest is the day that I felt I would never find happiness in this lifetime gain. It was so difficult to conceive London and then to lose her to SIDS, there are just no words to describe the pain and heartache we felt. It took so much out of me that I just knew I couldn’t bear to go through the months and months of disappointment again on top of grieving for my daughter. Facing infertility is very isolating, and then to be facing it after losing a child seemed so cruel and unjust.

Beginning again is very difficult and the choice to try to have another baby even more overwhelming after what we had been through. I don’t know where the strength within me came from, but I decided I would do whatever it took to have another baby. I needed that, and I wanted that so desperately. There is a part of your soul that holds an amazing love that I believe you don’t know exists until you hold your first newborn child. I drew strength from that love.

I began seeing a specialist after a year of trying to become pregnant while taking clomid to no avail. The choice was easy, time for the BIG GUNS!! The first month on Bravelle injections I became pregnant. The emotions I felt were nothing like my first pregnancy; I was no longer naïve as I once had been. I now knew that bad things really do happen and that I wouldn’t get too excited. It was confirmed at my first ultrasound that there were 2 heartbeats, TWINS! My husband and I were so happy, yet so scared. I am very thankful to the doctor who helped us and to the technology we have today. Our miracles were born at 32 weeks and, despite their premature birth, are very healthy 22-month-olds today! I can say that I have officially survived infancy with the girls and I know that they have a special angel watching over them.

Bella and Karis are our little miracles. They are 2 very different little girls: Bella with her sweet, gentle spirit and Karis with all her spunk and personality! We love them so much and are thankful every day for their lives. Hearing the girls say mommy, daddy, gammy, and pop are just some of the words that melt my heart into a puddle and make my heart ooze with love and appreciation for them. One day we will share with Bella and Karis the journey that we, their mommy and daddy, took into parenthood. We will tell them about the sister before them and how much we love and miss her. We hope to teach the girls that the value of life cannot be measured in years, but rather in moments, and that each moment is precious. It was the sister before them who made us push forward despite our pain and suffering. London’s life meant so much to us. We didn’t want to let her life, though brief, destroy us through her death.

In our home today the quiet moments are few and far between, but when they happen, the overwhelming feeling of thankfulness consumes me and I take time to reflect. It is in those quiet moments I reflect on how far we have come and on the bright futures of Bella and Karis, our miracles.