"Worth the Wait"
The Spinelli family and their little miracles, Mark and Samantha; Kendall Park, New Jersey

It’s hard to remember life before my twins’ arrival. Okay, so I recall sleeping late on Sundays, frequent travel, and expensive dinners with other DINKs (dual income, no kids)—but now I actually enjoy staying in on Saturday nights, wearing stained sweatpants, and reading “Good Night Moon” to my 2 little miracles. My journey to parenthood, however, was a long and difficult one. At 30, I was diagnosed with high follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH) levels, which I learned (as I was still unfamiliar with the jargon of infertility) meant that the quality and quantity of my eggs were extremely poor. Even the doctors were shocked. After a cancelled in vitro cycle due to my “poor response,” I was encouraged to research egg donation.

How could this be happening? My entire life I’d been an overachiever, yet I felt like such a failure and as if I were being punished for some past sin. I wore guilt and shame like Hester Prynne wore the scarlet A. Unable to do the most basic of human functions—procreate—I felt inadequate as a woman. I remember the constant feeling of sadness, that dull ache where my children ought to be. I longed for the smell of baby lotion on my hands and a rocking chair in what would later become the nursery. A diaper commercial would reduce me to tears. I was distraught and miserable.

Time passed, and I eventually got fed up with my self-imposed isolation and sought out support. A wonderful therapist reaffirmed that my infertility was a medical condition that I did not cause. I also joined a support group and an online community. Through this particular network I met many remarkable women with whom I became friends. One in particular, with circumstances similar to mine, told me about a fertility center that was known for taking “last-resort cases” like ours—the difference was that she was pregnant.

This new center was quite a distance from my home, but I would have driven to Mars if I thought it would improve my chances of conceiving. After another failed cycle, I was about to give up, but something told me to try again. After a to-the-wire embryo transfer (we were the last couple in the center before it closed for the holidays), we received the wonderful news that we were expecting on New Year’s Eve 2002. It was an unbelievably joyous ending to an incredibly horrible year. Repronex, the drug of choice prescribed that cycle by my brilliant reproductive endocrinologist, was instrumental in helping me achieve my goal. In my heart, I believe that what also made the difference that cycle was that I did not lose faith. My beloved grandfather passed away during this time, and I like to think that he helped the Repronex (not that it needed it!) “push my eggs along.”

While I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, the experience of infertility taught me several invaluable life lessons. First, to not give up hope. When you think you can’t go any further, push yourself a little more. Second, intimacy can come from heartache. As anyone dealing with it can attest to, the stress of infertility can place unbelievable strain on a marriage. Fortunately, the crisis of infertility brought my husband and I closer. A terrible dancer, my husband asked me to teach him Salsa every night after he gave me my injections. I don’t think I was ever more in love with him than when he was stepping on my feet telling me everything would be okay. Lastly, I learned that there is positively no shame and only benefits to be gained from seeking support during a time of need.

After 37 weeks of pregnancy, my beautiful, healthy boy/girl twins were born in late August 2003. I feel lucky and blessed to have 2 such precious children. I am absolutely in love with them, their unique personalities and special bond. They have taught me to be less selfish and structured, and that what’s really important is to laugh out loud and sing silly songs for no reason at all. I now look at everyday things with the wonder of childlike innocence. I never thought of myself as a patient person, but to my great surprise, I now am. I willingly gave up a lucrative career to stay home with my twins. While we certainly do miss my salary, I am far richer in ways that could never be imagined.