“Trying Times”
The Saylor family and their little miracle, Josie; Temecula, CA

My husband and I had been married for five years, I was established in my teaching career and it felt like the right time to have a baby. So, we decided to start “trying.” Being proactive, we bought ovulation kits to time our conception. Right away red flags came up…first, I did not have a regular cycle and I had to get on a prescription to make my cycle start. After a few months of irregularity, I went to my family doctor again to find out why I wasn’t ovulating. He told me to wait, relax and try for a few more months. So we did, all the while finding out that three of my friends had gotten pregnant within that time. Joyously celebrating with them, but inside starting to wonder if I’d ever hear the words, “You’re pregnant.” I finally spoke to a friend who was struggling with infertility as well, and she informed me that she had been seeing a wonderful endocrinologist doctor named Dr. Frederick. We made our first appointment with her at HRC. I’ll never forget it; it was just like I had seen in the movies. We were called back to her office, along the way we passed a hallway full of pictures of babies and success stories, then we walked into her office and she gave us hope. On our way out, we passed several pictures of group shots of different families at a park with their kids and Dr. Frederick in the center. The nurse told me that every year they have a day of celebration where they commemorate all the births that took part as a result of HRC. That picture filled me with optimism. Right away we set up our fertility plan. Meanwhile, I can’t tell you how many of our friends were continuing to get pregnant. With each announcement, my heart would sink and I would wonder if I would ever know what it would be like to hear my baby’s heart beat while it slept in my belly, or if I would ever know the flutter of its first kick, or know what it’s like to say, “I think it’s time honey.” What compounded my fear was not having any of my friends understand what only a woman going through infertility can comprehend. So many times we were asked when we were going to have a baby. Some of our friends felt we should trust more in the Lord and less on our infertility treatments. I told them if God didn’t want me to have a baby then why did He put this desire in my heart? If you had cancer, wouldn’t you get chemotherapy if it would help cure you? I had read that infertility can break up a marriage. Fortunately for us, infertility brought me so much closer to my husband. Never once did he complain about the tests he had to take or the days off from work, or the hour and a half drive to the doctor’s office, my hormones, my sudden bursts of tears, or my endless conversation about this whole situation. It seemed like the more I opened up and shared with people, the more hurt I became from their unknowingly insensitive responses. I just felt so completely alone. When I walked into the waiting room at HRC, sometimes it was filled with women and other times it wasn’t, but each time I knew that I was in a waiting room where we were all truly “waiting” and literally “trying” to get pregnant. Each of us had our own story, and sometimes we would speak to one another sharing stories and tears, other times, we would just look at each other with empathy and without judgment. After the tests and blood work brought Clomid, hysterosalpingogram, vaginal sonograms, MENOPUR, HCG shots, then IUI. Next came the hardest part, waiting. On a Tuesday morning, I woke up to light spotting. I couldn’t believe that it didn’t work. The worst part was having to face my husband and tell him it didn’t work. I felt so much shame and guilt…time wasted, money gone, and for what, an empty belly. Wednesday morning came, and again, the same light spotting. I expected to wake up Thursday morning with a full period, but again, light spotting. Research says a woman can have light spotting with implantation. So, I took my own pregnancy test. To my surprise, I got a very faint positive line. I read the package, and it said that an HCG shot can cause a false negative. Friday HRC ordered me a blood test. The four hours of waiting for the results were the longest. When the phone rang that afternoon, the long awaited four words came through the other line, “Nicole, you’re pregnant!” We cried and screamed! On our “graduation day” from Dr. Frederick’s office, we took a picture so she could add it to her hallway of “success stories.” I walked out and looked one last look at the pictures at the celebration day, knowing that we’d finally be there. That following October, we showed up to the celebration day with our 11 month old baby girl. The next time you’re in her office, look for the 2002 celebration picture and you’ll see two parents with the biggest grins on their faces holding their most prized possession; however, you’ll have a hard time determining who we are, as all the parents in those pictures have the same expression on their faces as we all know what it’s like to “wait” and “try.” What I learned through this season in my life is that infertility is the most complicated, heart-wrenching, painful, devastating, and hopeful adventure that a woman can experience. It will show you what you’re really made of, what you’re capable of, what you’re willing to do anything for, and it will shape you in ways that change you to the very core. If you let it, it can break you, but if you’re willing to focus on what you can learn through the journey and the lives you’ll touch and friendships you’ll form through it, it can become one of the most wonderfully “trying” times of “waiting.”