“Seeking Joy”
The Braunschweig family and their little miracle, Ella; Delano, MN

The fall of 1991 was the best time of my life. I was off on my first real adventure…college. I was accepted into the College of Engineering at Iowa State University and couldn’t wait to spread my wings and fly. I was born and raised in a suburb of St. Paul, Minnesota and decided that ISU was just the place for me to start my adult life. I will always remember that day when mom and dad dropped me off at school because my father made it so special. After many tears from mom and me rolling my eyes, dad sat me down on that small dorm room bed and gave me a note card with his handwriting on it. He wrote three bullet points:

• Be confident in yourself – you have so much more to offer than you think.
• Live your life mentally, physically and spiritually balanced.
• Seek joy.

At 18 years of age, I understood what the first two bullet items meant and why my father wished me to follow his words of advice. The last bullet item stumped me. Seek joy. Well, I was happy enough to be going to college, so that must be the joy he meant. I posted the card on my pegboard and forgot about it.

Years passed and I graduated with a BS in Industrial Engineering. Onto my next big adventure…my first real job. I headed back home to St. Paul and found a position working as an Engineer for a local manufacturing firm. Before I knew it, with a blink of an eye, years went by and I realized how having a great job and making money meant nothing if I didn’t have anyone to share it with. That’s where Michael comes in.

Michael and I met on the job and had been friends for a number of years. But somehow that friendship evolved into something more and suddenly I was upon yet another great adventure in my life…marriage. I had been very career oriented for so many years and for the first time I felt like my life had more meaning, more substance. Not only was I about to marry an amazing man, cliché as it sounds, I was marrying my best friend.

Like many other couples, the discussion of children came up while dating. Although Michael had a daughter from a previous relationship (Catherine) I had always imagined having children of my own. Now don’t get me wrong, the special bond I have with my step-daughter is irreplaceable. I love her dearly. But there was a yearning deep within me that could not be squelched. The loud banging of my maternal clock growing louder by the minute. But there was a glitch. At a very young age my husband decided to have a vasectomy. A decision made in haste upon the dissolve of his marriage to Catherine’s mother. Michael swearing never to put another child, or himself, through the heartache of divorce again, a vasectomy would ensure that never to take place. But at the dear age of 26, who knows what your life will turn into? Knowing full well marrying a man with a vasectomy meant no more children for him, for us…..or was it?

After some researching, we learned that Michael’s vasectomy could be reversed. A few short months before our wedding in August of 2005, Michael had the procedure. Only being 32 years of age meant a decent chance for a vas-reversal to be a success. We put $7000 towards the surgery, rolled the dice and prayed for a miracle. Low and behold! Success! We were elated to hear the reversal worked and we could start trying to have children right away. Mind you, we were forewarned about the potential for scar tissue forming so trying to conceive right away should be the objective. We were married 3 months later and enjoyed our honeymoon, birth control free.

As the months passed and our one year anniversary had come and gone, we still weren’t pregnant. We decided to start investigating the potential causes of our infertility. Given Michael’s history, we decided to have Michael’s sperm count checked first. Mike’s counts had gone from good to poor in less than a year. My heart sank. I looked at Mike’s doctor and asked “So how can we have kids?” Point blankly my question was answered, “You can’t. Adopt.” A voice in my head said, “Wait, What? What did he just say? Are you kidding? How DARE you speak to us this way?!?” I’ve never felt more rage in my life. Doesn’t this doctor know who he’s speaking with? Nobody tells me what I can and cannot do! We stormed out of his office determined to find answers and better health care. Michael and I started to do research on fertility options. We learned about all the different procedures available and what options might work for our situation. We decided to try artificial insemination. This option seemed like a good choice since our issues were male factor related and to our knowledge there was no reason to believe I couldn’t get pregnant. In February 2007 we gave it our first shot. We knew that AI had a low success rate but we still hoped to be pregnant right away. Unfortunately the first time did not work. Unwilling to give up, we tried again the very next month. This time things were looking like we may have conceived. I was called back to the clinic for a pregnancy test. Even thought it was just a few hours, it seemed like days to get the results. The second my phone rang from the clinic I leapt to pick up the receiver and said a quick prayer, “Dear God, please grant us this miracle.” I’ll never forget the tone in the nurse’s voice, “I’m so sorry Sara. It’s negative.” I think I sat silently staring off into space, barely feeling the tears roll down my face because I was just so numb at this point.

The pain of infertility is like none other unless you’ve experienced it yourself, it’s truly indescribable. The closest I can come to explaining it is a never ending ache that weighs heavy, deep down in the depths of you. A place deeper than your heart; it’s the place where a baby should be. The darkest of all days came when I found myself laying in the fetal position in my master bedroom closet floor shoving a towel in my face so that my husband wouldn’t hear the gut wrenching sobs I was making. We just couldn’t give up. That’s when we found RMIA.

My husband and I contacted Reproductive Medicine and Infertility Associates (RMIA) right after the second unsuccessful AI procedure in April 2007. We learned about the different programs and decided that the Hope Program was meant for couples just like us. We could try three independent cycles of In Vitro-Fertilization over a calendar year for a flat fee and if we did not get pregnant after these three cycles, we got our money back. Although the investment was a lot and we’d have to get a loan, we felt if it resulted in us having a baby, it was worth it. Thinking of it logistically, people spent more money on cars, boats or vacations than what we were investing in and the return on this investment was going to be priceless. We signed up immediately.

RMIA appointed us a doctor after the initial consultation and we were on our way. Within a few weeks our care package of hormones arrived. I remember opening the box and looking at all the vials of Menopur and Bravelle along with the syringes, needles, instructions and thought, “What on earth am I doing?” My husband hugged me and said, “We’re making a baby.” Michael and I approached this phase like any other activity we felt passionate about in our life: full-force dedication. We religiously followed the procedures of injecting the Menopur and Bravelle every day. Each injection making us feel like we were one step closer. Then that fateful day finally arrived. On July 12th 2007 we were informed we were ready for retrieval and transfer. We had such mixed emotions. We felt excitement and anxiety, hope and fear, relief and uncertainty. Nobody knew what the results were going to entail.

I just started my next big adventure…motherhood. That blessed day back in July resulted in a singleton pregnancy, conceiving with the very first transfer using Menopur and Bravelle. Our little miracle was due in the spring of 2008 and on April 9th, Ella Rhys was born a happy and healthy 7lbs. 14oz.

I’m so glad I listened to my dad’s advice all those years ago. And with that I say to all the desperate want to be mothers out there – seek your own joy. Wherever, however that may be. Listen to the depths of you to guide you to where you find that joy. I never thought I’d find it the way I had. That road was long, difficult and at times troubling. But at long last that heavy ache that sat in the depths of my being had finally gone away. I found my joy. I felt it as I rocked my baby girl to sleep just last night.