“If I Only Knew Then What I Know Now...”
The Freeman family and their little miracle, Jacob; Bridgeport, WV

I was contacted by my I.V.F coordinator in regard to this essay and a thousand thoughts on what I would write went through my head. Then all the memories of “then” went through my mind, and a lot of emotions that I had let go of came back to me. For a brief moment chills went down my spine. Lets talk about then shall we?

If I had only known eight years ago when I first got married how difficult it was going to be to conceive, I would have begun our journey a little sooner. My hopes and dreams of becoming a mother began at a very young age. I knew that it was something that would come naturally to me, and that I could be good at it. I had an excellent role model, my mother. My hopes of being a mommy started to diminish after countless negative pregnancy tests. Four years had passed, and I was still trying to convince myself that we did not need help trying to conceive, and that everything was okay. Finally, we decided to seek help and see a fertility Doctor. What was the harm, we knew they would say “you’re fine, keep trying” right??

We actually made a joke about it on the way there thinking that it was a waste of our time, and that we just needed to try harder on our own. The very first appointment was a long one, a lot of history taking, and personal information that we were not used to saying out loud. My husband had his sperm count at that first appointment, and everything came back normal. One week later it was my turn for my first test. It was the HSG, “no big deal” I thought. Much to my surprise it was abnormal. My fallopian tubes were not open. I felt like my world came crashing down at that moment. Something was wrong, and it was me! I cried the whole way home. I was scheduled for surgery one month later. Everything just seemed to be moving so quickly, and I felt hopeless. “Where did I go wrong”. For months after surgery I began different fertility treatments, Clomid, Femara, and three cycles of IUI, yet still no positive pregnancy test. I can honestly say that a negative pregnancy test during the fertility treatment is heartbreaking. I just wanted to give up, I felt so cheated. I would sit and wonder why so many people in the world that did not want kids or abused their children, could get pregnant so easily and why I , who wanted nothing more than to have a baby of my own to love and give my heart and soul to, could not get pregnant.

Dr. Toffle discussed In vitro Fertilization with my husband and I at our next appointment. I sat there and listened to every word that he said, but I can honestly say that I felt like that was one of my lowest points. I just wanted to give up. My body was tired, and my heart could not take another let down. I then decided to just turn my heart and my future to God, and put all of my hopes and trust in him and the Doctor. We then decided to proceed with I.V.F. knowing in my heart that it was our only hope.

No one and I do mean no one could ever understand the emotional aspect of fertility issues unless they have experienced it themselves. I was frustrated, angry, sad, and helpless all at the same time. My entire perspective on life at that time had changed. I felt embarrassed that as a woman I could not conceive a child on my own. When people would ask us when we were going to have children, I didn’t know whether to say I can’t or it’s none of your business!

The medicine that was involved for I.V.F was a variety of injections. My husband learned how to give me the injections so that he would be there every step of the way. I remember crying even when I became numb to them, just because I had to take them.

If I had only known what the end result was going to be, and that the tears and frustration would turn into tears of joy I would do it all again a million times over. All of those injections, like bravelle and menopur turned my life around in a way that I could never describe on a piece of paper. I was finally pregnant after two years of fertility treatment.

I will never forget the first time I looked into my sons blue eyes when he was born. Every thing else in life at that moment every heartbreak, every tear, every moment of frustration turned into a feeling of overwhelming joy. If I could offer any advice to anyone going through the trials of fertility treatment, or even getting ready to enter the exciting world of parenthood, it would be to never give up, not even at your lowest point. It will be worth it in the end. Cherish every second of your baby they grow while you are sleeping! Our son has changed our lives. We thank God everyday for him and for the doctors, nurses, and pharmaceutical companies that helped us to get him here.

By the way, remember when I said I would do it a million times over if I could, well we did it again and we have been blessed with another little miracle who will be making his way here in a couple of months. So keep on going and never loose hope.