“Creating a Mother: A Despairing Journey”
The Payez family and their little miracles, Madyson and Savannah; Clarksburg, WV

I believe that everything happens for a reason. I was only two years old when my mother was taken from me forever. I was the youngest and only little girl in a family of 3 brothers plus my dad. A maternal bond is something so incredibly special, but I would grow up never knowing what that truly felt like, until I became a mother myself. From a very early age, when asked what I wanted to be when I grow up, the answer was always the same: a mom. But I never imagined that the journey that would take me there would have such a huge and lasting impact on my life.

After marrying the love of my life and spending a year together, we were so excited to be at the point in our lives where we could start a family of our own. What should have been the most exciting time in my life quickly became the most difficult. Month after month I was filled with despair. It seemed as though there were couples having babies everywhere around me. Every night as I sat alone I wondered why I was being punished. I will never know my mother, and the thought of never knowing my children pushed me to keep going. I knew in my heart that something was not right and was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome by my family physician after a year of trying to conceive. She prescribed clomid and after three rounds of increasing doses, sent me to an OB/GYN. She also prescribed clomid plus added metformin to the equation. I was now taking all of this medicine (which caused the most horrible side-effects) and still, nothing was happening. After blood work showed that I had not yet ovulated, I endured a hysterosalpinogram. The test showed that my fallopian tubes were fine, but nonetheless I was still not ovulating. In addition to my PCOS, we learned that my husband had a low sperm count as well as poor motility due to a variocele that was repaired years before.

It was after two painful years of trying for our miracle, we were referred to a reproductive endocrinologist. And it was during the consultation I heard the words that I had been dreading. In vitro fertilization was something that I knew a lot about, thanks to the research I had done on the subject of infertility. There was a good chance that I would never conceive a child “the old fashioned way” and I was prepared to accept help. I desperately longed for a child of my own-to feel the bond that I had been longing for and was bound and determined to make it happen. But there I was hearing that I had to jump right into what I considered my “last resort” and that broke my heart.

I had grown up wondering what it would be like to have a biological mother, someone who could tell you stories about how much you kicked her when she was pregnant, or what her thoughts were when she saw you for the first time. And here I was, now thinking that biology was still not on my side. Some days I wanted to pretend there was nothing really wrong and that I would just become pregnant when the time was right. After all, isn’t that the way it happened for everyone else? I wanted to think that all of those people were right when they said things like, “just relax and it will happen” or “you’re just trying too hard.” But after weighing my options, I knew I wanted a baby of my own, and as the reality sunk in, I was filled with a renewed sense of hope. There was a doctor in front of me giving me a reason to believe and I was now seeing the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. I was told that I would be taking Bravelle, Menopur, and Novarel, and after a long waiting game, it was now my turn.

I was only 23 years old when I began the IVF process. My husband gave me the injections day after day, and everyday it got easier, physically and emotionally. I saw my ovaries (via ultrasound at appointments) doing what God intended them to do and that was just incredible. The injections were working and for the first time I really felt like I had a chance. When the time was right my eggs (nine) were retrieved and fertilized (via ICSI). The cells multiplied just as they should and three days later we transferred three very promising embryos into my uterus. And then we prayed, and waited. It was Christmas Eve when I got the phone call that will stay in my heart forever. The IVF was a success – I was pregnant! The next six weeks flew by as I was on cloud nine. When I saw that first ultrasound I had never been so filled with joy. Not one, but two heartbeats were visible on the screen. TWINS! The atmosphere in the room was electric. This had been the most difficult time in my life by far, but the ends more than justified the means.

My pregnancy was amazing. I felt more full of life than I ever had, and as I watched my body expand and felt the movements of life inside, I cried. But the tears of sadness and desperation were replaced by tears of joy and excitement. I was really going to be a mom. The hole in my heart would now have a fix, and even if not completely, I was going to have what I had been so envious of for the past twenty years.

One year exactly after my initial consultation, I brought new life into the world. On August 10, 2007, Madyson Avery and Savannah Grace entered the world with strong yet song-like cries. Weighing in at 5 lbs. 13 oz. and 5 lbs. and 7 oz., they were healthy and full of life. They were the most beautiful things I had ever seen.

The journey was a difficult one, but at that moment I knew that this was meant to be. I was their mother and as I held them in my arms for the first time, I spoke my thanks to the people who got me to that point. Without the help of an incredible doctor (and his amazing staff), and the medication that gave my body the help that it needed, I would not be where I am.

I wouldn’t wish infertility on my worst enemy. The years leading here were the most despondent and saddest of my life, but it is because of that pain and the struggle that I am who I am today. I am the proudest mother of twin girls, and there isn’t a single day that goes by that I don’t remember those appointments filled will bad news, and am more grateful than I could ever convey in words. This past year with my daughters has taught me so much about myself and about life in general. If I knew then what I know now I would have ached for it so much more; I would have cried twice the tears and wanted it twice as badly.

If you would have told me three years ago that I would have a perfect family—two amazing children, I would have called you crazy. But looking back, if I could do it all over, I wouldn’t change a thing. The sorrow I felt made me the person that I am…the mother that I am now. And I want my life just how it is.

-Conceiving a child is an act of nature, conceiving a child through IVF is an act of science that is willed by the hand of God.