“You're Not Alone”
The Gilbert family and their little miracle, Brady; Mountain View, CA

Let me start by saying I know this sucks and it’s not fair. It’s not fair that friends, family and co-workers get pregnant so easily while some of us struggle and have to go through so much heartache, ups and downs, and financial strain to realize our dreams of parenthood. But let me tell you, though I wish my journey to parenthood had been easy from the start, now that we have our darling little boy in our lives, the rocky road to get here is a distant memory.

Infertility is isolating. Though you hear the stats that it impacts one in ten couples, if feels like it’s one in a million and you’re that one. But I promise you, you’re not alone. Whether you’ve been trying for six months or six years or you’re on your first IVF or fourth, there are couples who have been exactly were you are and are now holding a baby (or two) in their arms. The first thing I want to say is always believe, always have hope. Our story is one of perseverance that ends with a healthy, baby boy.

Since I was ten years old, when asked what I wanted to be when I grew up I said, “A mom.” In Junior High I devised my “plan” – I would get married at 25 and have kids at 27 and 29. Well the universe must not have gotten a copy of my plan since my 30th birthday came and went with no Prince Charming and no babies in sight. It wasn’t until I was 36 that I married my wonderful husband – I was getting a later start than “planned” but he was well worth the wait. So now the husband part of my dreams was fulfilled; it was now time for the mommy part of my dreams to come true. Given my age and history with menstrual periods that were few and far between, we didn’t want to waste any time. I asked my gynecologist for a reference to a Reproductive Specialist and went straight to the first person she mentioned. In hindsight, I should have researched other doctors as well, but at the time I just didn’t know the questions to ask and what to look for in the right doctor.

Given my age I wanted to go right to IVF; however this doctor’s recommendation was three rounds of Clomid and IUI’s (artificial insemination). When I asked her why we couldn’t just go straight to IVF she said, “That’s not the way we do things.” So reluctantly we agreed to her protocol – I mean she was the expert, right? From day one we never felt totally comfortable with this doctor but we thought it was just that the whole infertility process was new and awkward. So we followed her plan and though I responded to the Clomid and ovulated, with each pregnancy test the result was the same – negative. After the third failed IUI, I begged, “Please let us do IVF now.”

So we did our first IVF and I responded well to the drugs; on transfer day we had four blastocysts from which to choose. Though we prayed to get lucky with our first IVF we unfortunately had another negative pregnancy test. I cried for a couple days straight and then went to the Internet for comfort. I read every story I could find on couples who got pregnant on their second IVF to know I wasn’t alone and that there was still so much reason for hope. Though a little battered I was at least now educated enough to realize we needed a new doctor and a new approach. The first time we didn’t know what to look for in a doctor and the questions to ask – now we did.

I had just read articles about PGD (Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis) – where they can take one cell from an embryo and test it for genetic abnormalities, so going in to the transfer you can select the normal embryos only. Given my age and the large number of embryos we got with our first IVF, this PGD testing seemed perfect for us. So we found a new clinic with lots of experience doing PGD and signed up for a three-cycle package. It was cheaper than three individual cycles and if we got pregnant on cycle one or two, we could use subsequent cycles for a sibling. We had to take out a loan to pay for it but that was okay. Money can be made back, debt can be paid off; having a biological baby was worth any financial sacrifice we needed to make.

The new doctor looked at how I responded to the previous cycle and made some changes to my protocol – this was the first time we included Menopur in my cycle. I responded well to the drugs and we were able to do PGD on our embryos. On transfer day we transferred a “normal” blastocyst and prayed it would now be our turn. Unfortunately, it wasn’t. After a week’s worth of tears I was ready to get back on the horse and plan the next cycle. Three months later we transferred two PGD “normal” blastocysts – this has to work now we’ve doubled our chances, right? Unfortunately, no, another negative pregnancy test. Now I was getting distraught – we had healthy, normal embryos and they just weren’t attaching. Why was my body letting me down? Once again I crawled into a hole of sadness and stayed there inconsolable for a week. But again I realized feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to make us parents. The only way we were going to be successful was to try again.

We had a friend-of-a-friend who had just had a baby using a gestational carrier. I started reading everything I could on the subject and spoke with our doctor about it. It seemed like our best chance at a biological baby. Don’t get me wrong, this wasn't an easy decision. I went through a period of mourning realizing it wouldn’t be me carrying our child, feeling it kick inside me or giving birth with my husband by my side, holding my hand. Those dreams I would need to let go of but thankfully modern medicine and society were at a place where this was an option for us – we could still have a biological baby and just “borrow” a uterus.

So through wonderful online communities we found an amazing gestational carrier. A woman we felt would take care of our unborn child as I would if I could carry it. Fast forward through the legal contracts, medical screenings, etc.; we were now ready to cycle again. As always I responded well to the drugs and we did PGD on our embryos, but for the first time ever we had no normal embryos to transfer. We now had this wonderful, proven uterus waiting and all our PGD’d embryos were abnormal. I was crushed. But I knew this was meant to be and I wouldn’t give up. Three months later we tried again - and déjà vu – I had great response to the stimulation meds but all our PGD’d embryos were abnormal. It was the lowest point in my life. I honestly told my husband to leave me and find a younger wife with “good” eggs. He of course told me I was being ridiculous and said, “Honey, this is just a game of math and odds; one of these times it WILL be our turn.”

So we geared up for our last cycle with our carrier (we had agreed to try up to three times). And at age 38 I produced more eggs than any of my previous cycles. When the phone rang, and I knew it was the doctor’s office with our PGD results, my heart practically beat through my chest. We had two, healthy, normal blasts to transfer. I called my husband and then our surrogate with the wonderful news. But the best call and best news was yet to come – the call I had been waiting three long years and six IVF’s for – “Congratulations! The pregnancy test is positive.”

Through all the ups and downs, we never stopped believing and now our dreams were finally coming true. However I have to admit we waited to tell our family and friends until we were 20 weeks pregnant just to make sure we were out of the woods and everything was going to turn out okay. Knowing what we had been through I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house when we shared the news.

Our little boy was born early at 34 weeks, five days, but was a healthy 7 lbs, 4 oz. We brought him home from the hospital two days later. We think he came early because he knew how long we had waited for him and didn’t want us to have to wait any longer. He is truly our miracle baby.

I’m just so grateful that we were going through our fertility problems during a period of time when modern medicine and technology can help our bodies do what they can’t do on our own and allow almost anyone who wants a baby to be able to conceive. Our parents’ and grandparents’ generations didn’t have that. Even 20 years ago, if you didn’t get pregnant on your own, you just didn’t get pregnant, period. So thank GOD for Menopur, and IVF, and doctors who know how to put them together and make babies.

So if I knew then what I know now, I’d tell you:

• Start your journey by doing a little research online – what are the testing options (e.g. immunological, PGD), what are the different types of stimulation medications (e.g. Menopur).
• Get references to reproductive specialists. Ask friends and family if they know anyone and if that’s not an option look on the Internet for groups or communities that are appropriate for you. For example, there are numerous Yahoo Groups for women dealing with fertility issues (women over 35, women with PCOS, etc.).
• Interview potential doctors and know its okay to ask questions. It’s so important to find a doctor you like and who can tailor a protocol that best meets your needs. What would they recommend for you and why (the types of medication, the daily dosages)? What pre-testing do they do (immunological)? Do they offer PGD?
• If you don’t click with the doctor or agree with his/her protocol, look for another one – trust your instincts.
• Know that there are options for paying for fertility treatments if money is an issue – loans, clinic payment programs (for example, our clinic offers special rates for low-income households).
• When it comes time to order cycle medication, if you’re paying out of pocket, ask your clinic for a list of online pharmacies that specialize in fertility medication – they have the best prices and most offer free, overnight shipping.

During my fertility journey I created a daily calendar reminder that I read at the start of each day. I want to share it with you in hopes that it offers some of the comfort and support it provided me. It simply said: “Keep your hope close, breathe deeply, keep your eye on the prize and believe!”

It can and will happen for you; never give up hope. Our darling son, who will soon turn one, is proof of that.

Good Luck!
Trish Gilbert, mom